Golden Slumbers's Mindful Musings : Romeo & Juliet

ROMEO AND JULIET

“And all I do is miss you and the way we used to be

All I do is keep the beat, the bad company

And all I do is kiss you through the bars of a rhyme

Juliet I'd do the stars with you any time”

- Mark Knopfler, Romeo and Juliet

Educated in an all-boys school, I went through my early years oblivious to the charms of the opposite sex. Things only began changing when at the age of 13 I started stealing glances at my sister’s collection of Cosmopolitan. With hormones raging, I had no idea on how to talk to a girl, except that I became interested in them. I remember waiting by the lobby of my flat (we are talking about real flats, not the apartments of today) almost every evening, hoping to catch a glimpse of this attractive girl – but without the guts to make that first move. It didn’t help being in an all-boys school as I did not get any practice in dealing with the female gender. So it was all rather abject.

Things got slightly better at 16 when I was made a prefect, and also joined numerous clubs like the Interact Club, Career Club, etc., with the sole purpose of meeting girls from girl schools. I was particularly keen on students from Sri Aman, Sri Petaling, Convent Bukit Nanas and Kuen Cheng. I didn’t think much of the ones from Assunta as I thought they were all rather hoity-toity. Besides, they were only keen on those buffoons from La Salle PJ. As I had some, ahem, talent in singing and I played the guitar (just 4 chords), I had a small ‘troupe of groupies’ particularly keen on my charms. It was then that I realised that one can look like an absolute berk, but if you had some talent, you could, well, score. Trust me when I say that I looked like a toad with a pair of glasses so thick you could hardly see my eyes.

And that brings me to what I really wanted to write about: relationships between our kids. I’m not talking about friendships. I mean real boyfriend-girlfriend thingy. The thing is they’re starting at 12. And don’t you tell me you don’t know that’s actually happening. If you really don’t then I would suggest you start paying close attention to your kids’ moody behaviour. But we can’t stop this though. It’s really all part of growing up. It’s just that they’re growing up that much faster and that they’re starting really young. Miley swinging on a Wrecking Ball does not help very much too.

As a father, I’m not too keen on my daughter having relationships simply because I think it’s a distraction. When they’re so caught up in a relationship, their emotions are bound to play havoc on their focus. Studies in cognitive science have already shown that multi-tasking is absolute hogwash. So, lacking focus isn’t good. Banning my daughter from engaging in a relationship though would be a futile exercise, so I’m handling it in a different way. For me, distraction can either be positive or negative. If one’s all gooey-eyed, unable to focus on school work or just totally spaced out, then that is definitely a negative distraction. A positive distraction would be encouraging one another to accomplish goals, like studying harder, getting better at a musical instrument and so on. Of course it’s all well and good if the relationship continues with little drama because I really wouldn’t know what to do if she suffers a break-up. That would be frightening. Hard enough as it is to get through to a teenager on normal stuff, it would be near impossible to penetrate their psyche when their relationships go sour. Good thing is my girl agrees with me on this, though I’m not sure if she’s just merely humouring me.

As for me, I never got into a relationship in school. I had some moments with the screaming, panting hoard of fans (just my imagination) and that was really it. Besides I was almost always surrounded by boys, and though I didn’t know it then, boys, turning into men, would later in life have a keen interest in me. But that’s another story for another day!

Cheers!

Golden Slumbers's Mindful Musings: INAPPROPRIATENESS

INAPPROPRIATENESS

'Oh! grandmother,' she said, 'what big ears you have!'

'All the better to hear you with, my child,' was the reply.

'But, grandmother, what big eyes you have!' she said.

'All the better to see you with, my dear.'

'But, grandmother, what large hands you have!'

'All the better to hug you with.'

'Oh! but, grandmother, what a terrible big mouth you have!'

'All the better to eat you with!'

And scarcely had the wolf said this, than with one bound he was out of bed and swallowed up Red Riding Hood.

                                                                                                            - From Little Red Riding Hood, Brothers Grimm                                                                                                   

In the recent case of a 23 year old man confessing to murdering a 15 year old girl, I was suddenly struck by a feeling of helplessness regarding the safety of my teenage daughter. Knowing that I cannot protect her forever has been giving me some sleepless nights. As a father who wishes to do the right thing by his daughter, and to always be there for her, I’m fully aware it is practically impossible to fulfil these wishes of mine. I can only keep trying.

Today’s article is all about inappropriate behaviour. When you have a man of, say 25, showering attention on your daughter of 14, you definitely will want to put a stop to it because that is as inappropriate as it can get. Girls of the age group between 11 and 16 are highly impressionable and any form of flattery and attention is bound to generate gushing feelings of young love. And as we know, young love can be pretty reckless. While it was almost impossible in my time to have a relationship of this nature and not be found out, the social media platform of today allows for secrecy and before you know it, things can get out hand. My daughter continues to engage in social media activities in the living room, for which I’m very thankful. She protests not with this arrangement, and I love her deeply for that. I have never once been tempted to sneak a peek in her social media life nor do I plan to in future. She knows that I trust her, err… so long as this social communication is done in the living room. I try very hard to treat her like an adult (I do miss that cute 4 year old though) and explain to her why she shouldn’t do certain things and so on. So if she grows up to be like a princess, then I know I have done right by her. If she grows up to be like Bonnie of Bonnie & Clyde infamy, then I’m screwed.

I don’t know how you as a parent might want to approach this subject of inappropriate behaviour, but I think it’s a subject that’s worth thinking deeply about. There are just far too many disturbed people in the world now.

Golden Slumbers's Mindful Musings: SELF-DOUBT

Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer

Stickin' little white flowers all up in her hair

"Walk beside the pony Daddy, it's my first ride

I know the cake looks funny Daddy but I sure tried"

Oh, with all that I've done wrong, I must have done something right

To deserve a hug every morning and butterfly kisses at night

- Bob Carlisle

Last night as I tucked my daughter into bed, I had a quiet word with her about her friendship with a particularly close individual. This friendship had suddenly gone cold and although she denied it, I knew that it was troubling her deeply. She had begun doubting herself by imagining that she may have offended her friend in some way. As a father how do you handle this?

This reminded me of my late teenage years when I was deeply troubled by a failed relationship. Everything seemed dark and life didn’t seem worth living then. Fortunately my mom sensed something wrong and quietly whispered to me, “don’t give in to despair.” Mom, who passed away just this August, had probably saved me from doing something very stupid.

So what did I say to my little girl? I told her that the best way to handle this was to address this matter directly with her friend. Her friend may still give her the cold shoulder and if so, then it’s a friendship not worth having. I also told her never to doubt herself and never allow anyone to make her doubt herself. I’m not sure if I said the right things but I do hope it helped.

I’m thankful my daughter still shares most things with me, though I’m sure she keeps some matters away from my prying eyes and ears. Children of today are so different from our time when we were their age. Then we were just told to get on with our lives, but you can’t tell your kids that these days. You’ll want them to talk to you or if that’s not possible, to talk to ateacher in the school, where they spend most of their time. I think it’s important that children are encouraged to share their feelings, emotions and views about things. For some of us parents that may not be possible, for whatever reason, but share them they must, and with people whom parents can trust.

Mental health is an area where we often neglect to nurture in our children. We parents are so caught up in wanting them to succeed academically that we are blind to their emotional needs. I’m glad that in Tenby there are teachers who generate warmth, generosity in spirit and who display sensitivity in their dealings with the children. They are guardians of our children in school, and they are the ideal ‘go-to counsellors’ for our children when they have issues that they won’t discuss with us parents. Long may that continue.